As parents we are conflicted between what we have seen, what we have read and experiences of our own. In, ‘How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen,’ authors Joanna Faber and Julie King have blended in their experience with anecdotes making the book an essential guide for any parent or caregiver seeking effective, compassionate ways to communicate with their young ones. The book extends the groundbreaking communication strategies developed by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, focusing on children between the ages of two and seven. This comprehensive guide provides tools to handle everyday challenges while fostering mutual respect and understanding between adults and children.
The book is not just about managing children's behavior; it is about nurturing long-term, open communication that creates a lifetime of strong relationships. It begins with the fundamental premise that children are naturally equipped with an innate desire to explore and understand the world, and that the adult’s role is not to command, but to guide and assist in this discovery process. Here is my take on the book…
Understanding the Child’s Perspective
One of the key themes of the book is the importance of acknowledging children's feelings. Faber and King argue that recognizing and verbalizing a child's emotions can often diffuse potential conflicts – this is a highly debated topic and research done by Abigail Shrier has a counter point of view. For instance, rather than dismissing a child's anger or sadness as trivial, the book advises parents to express understanding and give the feeling a name. This process not only validates the child's feelings but also helps them to identify and manage their emotions independently over time.
Effective Communication Strategies
The authors provide numerous strategies to enhance communication between parents and children. They emphasize the use of engaging alternatives to direct commands, which often lead to resistance. For example, instead of telling a child to "put on your shoes," a parent might ask, "what do we need on our feet when we go outside?" This approach encourages the child to think, believe that she is in control, and participate in the process, making them more likely to cooperate willingly.
Another valuable technique discussed is the involvement of children in the creation of routines and rules. This can be particularly effective in managing daily tasks such as getting ready for bed or preparing for school. By involving children in decision-making, they feel empowered and vested in adhering to the routines they helped create.
PS: I’d urge parents to read Adam Grant’s take on this topic. If I must summarize, he believes that families with too many rules stifle creativity and I very much agree to that. I believe there should be a balance.
Handling Emotions and Tantrums
Tantrums and emotional outbursts are common in early childhood, and the book offers practical advice on handling these challenging situations. The authors suggest that fantasy play can be a useful tool. For example, when a child is upset about not being able to buy a toy, the parent might say, "If we could, we’d buy every toy in the store! What should we get first?" This lets the child indulge in the fantasy, momentarily distancing them from their frustration and reducing the intensity of the outburst.
Resolving Conflicts
The book also delves into strategies for resolving conflicts, highlighting the importance of giving children limited choices and the power of compromise. When a child refuses to wear a hat on a cold day, a parent might offer a choice between two hats rather than insisting on wearing one specifically. This technique respects the child’s autonomy while ensuring they stay warm.
PS: Another way to tackle the situation would be to expose the kid – in a controlled way. I have seen that working well. For instance, my daughter is not fond of wearing coat if she believes its warm and after two instances when things turned out cold, she started listening to what I asked
Creating Cooperation
Faber and King stress the importance of how asking questions can promote cooperation. Questions can turn a confrontation into a problem-solving session, where the child becomes part of the solution. This is evident in scenarios where a child is playing roughly. Instead of scolding, asking "How can we make sure everyone is safe while playing?" involves the child in generating solutions.
Cultivating Compassion and Empathy
Beyond tactics and immediate solutions, the book encourages parents to model compassion and empathy. Children learn by example, and when they see their feelings are treated with respect, they are more likely to extend that respect to others. This foundation helps children develop healthier relationships both inside and outside the family.
Useful Tools and Real-life Examples
Throughout the book, Faber and King enrich their advice with anecdotes and real-life scenarios that illustrate how these techniques can be applied. The narrative is complemented by cartoons and diagrams that provide visual summaries of the concepts, making the guidance more accessible and relatable.
I like psychology and have read many books on similar topics. One thing that stood out was how the authors shared examples to make the discussion more real. At the same time, I’d urge parents to use their judgement as context might change how you tackle – where you live, when the book was written and today, your values and a list of other factors. I’d end with the thought, ‘ To a person with a hammer, everything looks like a nail,’ and try to stay away from that adage.
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